Hello and welcome (back)!
Our scam gang is now dozens strong, and I am starting to feel like my pyramid scheme might have a future. Also, since we last met, I designed a logo:
I'm available for graphics work, but I don't get out of bed for less than $10,000
As a loyal reader noted last week, "Whoa, this is about SERIOUS scams." On the one hand, there is no other kind, and on the other hand, do we collectively even have the capacity for lightness anymore?, but on the third hand that's dipping into your pocket to lift your wallet, let's talk about a scheme that was essentially cooked up in a lab to delight me: Mychal Kendricks' sad attempt at insider trading.
In case you were not present on the occasions when I screamed "Mychal Kendricks MVP!!!!!!!" at a television or the other probably more frequent ones when I cursed his missed tackles, and you are otherwise unfamiliar with the former Philadelphia Eagle, Kendricks is a very handsome NFL linebacker who, along with a Goldman Sachs banker named Damilare Sonoiki, attempted to get rich(er) quick(er) and broke the law in the process.
I can’t even.
When the SEC complaint was released in August (mere days after Hard Knocks aired what turned out to be kind of misleading footage of Kendricks telling members of the <checks notes> 0-16 Cleveland Browns they had more talent than the <checks tattoo on my heart> SUPER BOWL CHAMPION PHILADELPHIA EAGLES), the details were almost too good to be true.
The scam itself is pretty bush league. Standard issue: "Money guy tips jock off about corporate acquisitions and then dons Groucho Marx glasses to purchase stock on his behalf." It is amateur enough that if we look too closely into how a person who knew he ought to be careful with money got caught up in it, or in any way interrogate the ethics of how athletes get paid, we'll find ourselves back in the territory of the SERIOUS. So let's stick to the fun stuff, like:
They used coded language as subtle as a middle school drug dealer talking about "trees" (guys, it was CHEESESTEAKS!!!!!!)
The place they apparently plotted to do crime was a nightclub in York, PA
Another place they hung out was the set of a Teyana Taylor video
There were cash handoffs at 30th Street Station. (Who among us, etc.)
I mean, be still my scheming heart! As far as SEC documents go, I really can't recommend it highly enough.
In a terrific Businessweek piece from last week Max Abelson and Felix Gillette paint an even fuller picture of the adventures of Kendricks and Sonoiki. Notably, this particular con isn't Sonoiki's first:
His Harvard classmates picked him to speak during their 2013 commencement ceremonies. Onstage, a friend introduced him as a rags-to-riches leader and future banker—and a guy who didn’t warn everyone when his pet snake was loose in the dorms for two weeks. “Don’t forget about us when you’re crashing world economies,” the friend said. Sonoiki took the microphone and told his classmates to follow their hearts.
He spoke at commencement, but Sonoiki did not actually graduate from Harvard thanks to sexual assault accusations. (Don’t worry, neither the lack of a diploma nor the accusations stopped him from getting a job at Goldman. Some crime just isn’t worth punishing.)
Mychal Kendricks, I'm sorry you probably have to go to jail now. I wish someone had told you this before it was too late, but for the rest of you, remember: A scammer is a friend who just hasn't robbed you yet.
Thanks for reading and stay scammy,
Ruthie B.
PS: If you like newsletters I'm affiliated with, I wrote one for ProPublica that's going out tomorrow and I've been editing this guy. Sign up!
This week in consumption:
If I haven't raved about Ear Hustle to you directly, let me start right now: It's the best.
Occupied is my current gym show and I liked the first episode v. much.
I have a new favorite Mrs. Meyer's (my life is so exciting it hurts)
The future’s mysterious, but it seems more and more likely that 2019 will happen. I ordered my calendar.