Gather round, scam fam, it's story time.
In June of 2003, I applied for a job at a Blockbuster Video in Lincoln Park in Chicago. I applied for a lot of jobs in retail and at restaurants that summer, so I was used to pressing a ballpoint pen down extra hard on clipboarded forms to make the writing appear on all three carbon copies.
At the Blockbuster they didn't give me a form, or maybe they did, but either way I had to take this test at a touchscreen kiosk at the front of the store. It started simply enough. The problems were like "I think it's ok to steal Twizzlers." and the options were "strongly agree," "agree," "disagree," "strongly disagree." There was no neutral choice or way to skip a question; it was very important to the kiosk that I expressed an opinion about everything.
I actually do think it's basically ok to steal Twizzlers, but even as a 19-year-old who had a fake ID with a hologram of a hamburger on it tucked into her wallet, I knew better than to say that in a job interview with a robot.
The statements moved into shakier territory: "Coworkers should be punished harshly for shoplifting." No one was present to define harshly. Around statement 23 or so (fam, there were over _one hundred_ of these moral quandaries), I started to wonder if someone was secretly conducting a psychological experiment, and, if not, what Blockbuster really wanted to learn about me. Somewhere in the 40s, the computer hit me with "I find it maddening when guilty criminals are allowed to go free!" The statements started repeating themselves, with slight variations—"I think it's sometimes ok to steal Twizzlers."—and I couldn't remember how strongly I had agreed the first time around, but felt certain there would be a penalty for inconsistencies.
When I finished the test, I looked around for the manager to ask if there was anything else he needed, but I couldn't find him or a single other employee or anyone else in the store at 11 on a weekday morning, so I just left.
I didn't get the job, but also that Blockbuster is closed now and so are all the other Blockbusters, so, you know, lose the battle and win the war. That's not why I'm telling you all this though.
Quartz published a terrific story by Dave Gershgorn this week about hiring algorithms. Great news! They work PERFECTLY:
"After an audit of the algorithm, the resume screening company found that the algorithm found two factors to be most indicative of job performance: their name was Jared, and whether they played high school lacrosse."
Lolololololol, very legit. Lot to savor in that sentence, but please don't sleep on the fact that a company selling resume screening technology had no earthly idea how it worked. That is an impressive scam-slash-business model.
Gershgorn cites this talk where a guy I had previously never heard of but now think is v. smart named Maciej Cegłowski said:
“Machine learning is like money laundering for bias. It's a clean, mathematical apparatus that gives the status quo the aura of logical inevitability. The numbers don't lie.”
(There's a bunch of other strong stuff in there, like him calling out fellow tech workers for "creating a residential theme park" for themselves while causing "ample harm" to others. He clearly doesn't appreciate a good scam when he sees one.)
Anyway, every con artist must decide for herself what role she wants to play in the workplace of tomorrow, but if I were you, I'd spend some time this weekend updating my resume to make sure I'm putting my best Jared forward. And I'd ask myself how I really feel when guilty criminals are allowed to go free.
Sweet scams,
Ruthie
PS: Welcome to those of you who are new here! I'm basically new myself, but you can read my previous editions at this link. I've covered paperwork nightmares, Mychal Kendricks, well intentioned white women, and lobster fraud. I thrive on the praise of strangers, so WB ASAP with kind words and any schemes you wish to run together.
My week in consumption
Sometimes Players' Tribune essays are way more gripping than they have any right to be. Exhibit A: This one by Darius Miles. The Shaq anecdotes alone are pure gold.
Sorry if this sounds obvious, but I bought a comb for $2.50 at Duane Reade last week and it fits in all my handbags. Showing up places with a straight part and untangled hair means I am now only mildly disheveled most of the time. Great purchase, highly recommend.
“From another perspective, the boxes are highly visible, public symbols of the food insecurity that’s plagued the region for generations—and only continues to worsen.”
9 Geese Who Have Taken Over My Daughter’s Bedroom And What Each Of Their Jobs Seems To Be apparently ran in 2016 but I read it for the first time on Wednesday and I literally can't even think of it without laughing. Long live Clickhole!
Stop reading right now if you don't want to hear me straight brag about something that has no bearing on your life. Back in March, I used my tax refund to get a ticket to Springsteen on Broadway. It cost approximately one million dollars, but I went to the show last night and it was WONDERFUL. Plus, the Clintons were there!! I didn't get close enough to tell them they should have gone on Slow Burn but it was really something.