Our opinion is that there's not a problem
Let's get rich.
Bad news, Scam Fam,
There were no scams the first week of April. 100% certified scam free. Everything everyone did everywhere was thoroughly above board, cool, legal, and legit. Funky fresh, too, but that's not the point. So I took last Sunday off, did absolutely nothing with myself, missed you all tremendously, and then waited for someone to try to get away with something somewhere.
I'm still over here waiting, but I don't want to deprive you or your inboxes of the pleasure of my company, so here I am, ready to talk to you about a very special business opportunity that we should go in on together.
We may have to be richer and more institutional to truly win on this one, but I believe in you and your ability to execute in high pressure situations. Jesse Barron (no relation that I am aware of which should be obvious to anyone who knows how to spell Baron correctly) has outlined what we'll need to do in a riveting — and more fun than it has any right to be for how depressing it is — piece in today's Times Magazine, "How Big Business Is Hedging Against the Apocalypse." To borrow his phrasing and some of his subjects' "perfectly fine logic," if we're right about this, we'll get rich. If we're wrong, "it won't matter because the world will be on fire" (the world will prob be on fire if we're right too, but don't worry, I have a climate controlled vault for our cash). Like Coach Taylor always says, callous choices, mass destruction, can't lose.
So here's my pitch. <Extremely the Skimm voice> Climate change. What is it?
"Depending on whom you ask, climate change doesn’t exist, or is an engineering problem, or requires global mobilization, or could be solved by simply nudging the free market into action." Also: "Unlike almost every other future event, climate change is 100 percent certain to happen."
Barron describes these conflicting narratives in part to underscore there are a whole bunch of ways to get rich off the probability (slash certainty) of climate change; he also describes how the players best positioned to do so are the companies and powers who are contributing to climate change. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.
That's where we come in, guys. I'd like us to use Exxon's approach to the situation as a model here:
“Fracking is a very electricity-intensive method of extracting hydrocarbons. By using solar energy for just a portion of its operations in Texas, Exxon could save on electricity costs and keep more cash. It could profit by turning renewable power back into the hydrocarbon power it existed to replace.”
I gotta say that I am sick and tired of the unleash the poison and sell the cure cliche. But using the cure to make more poison? What a twist! How refreshing! I thought I smelled pollution, but it was actually the sweet scent of money, choking me to death with the force of its desire to get in my wallet.
What I propose is we start a power company. I googled it and here's what's required. Simplest option would be if you already have one. Option B is we buy one with hundreds of millions of dollars of your money. We've been friends for at least as long as you've been reading this, so it's only fair. If you care to pursue loans or private equity, more power to you (coincidentally, that's the slogan of our company; speaking of, can you make a note to check with legal on how much flexibility we have to provide less power to our customers?). I'm going to veto the solar panel idea as it's really not aligned with our mission or long term goals.
Once we're up and running, we can redirect some of the profits that do not directly fund our life of leisure into renewables. But our differentiating factor is that the rest go straight into apocalypse essentials: solar-powered water filters, pocket knives, thick soled shoes, lightweight bandages, etc. This is the phase where we can really get creative — are playing cards going to make a comeback when the grid is gone and we're taking guard shifts around the trashcan fire? Let's buy 'em all. Remember, there's no major regulatory issues or laws preventing this, so the smog-filled sky's our limit!
This meeting's gone long, and I can sense we're getting in the weeds here, so let's hold off discussing execution for now. We can connect offline about profit sharing too; basic outline of that is a 70/30 split, but I'm open to that 30 number going up for you once you've brought an actual utility to the table.
Scam with power,
--Ruthie
P.S. Because I love you, check out this robot. You gotta commit to your bits, you know?
My Week in Consumption
Say Nothing by Patrick Radden Keefe is even better than you've heard.
Dim sum isn't complete or satisfying for me until I get cheong fun, and I finally tried Joe's Steam Rice Roll (the Manhattan one, not Flushing). Canal Street Market is sort of a nightmare, but it's walking distance from my office, and holy moly I cannot recommend the shrimp rice rolls highly enough.
I bought these Air Force 1s from Foot Locker last weekend and I can't remember the last time a pair of shoes made me feel so cool.
Last Saturday night I saw Fleabag in Soho. It's almost certainly not going to happen for you, so I'm just bragging, but what a privilege it was to share oxygen with Phoebe Waller-Bridge.
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