Scam Fam, it's GEMINI SZN!
I'm not big on astrology, but I am big on myself, and my birthday (see my post script for more on this) is this week, so gemini is the one sign I actually know stuff about, as much as one can know stuff about a two-faced, indecisive, unreliable, ambivalent enigma. May 21, in my expert opinion as a person who is about to be 35 and is extremely popular, also marks the official beginning of WEDDING SEASON.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I love love. I am not and have never been married, but that has not stopped me from being a wedding MVP like 100 times (I'm including weddings I have resisted crashing or trolling via hashtag as a courtesy to the happy couple in that number), and only a small number of those unions have ended in divorce.
What is there to say about weddings that hasn't been said by romantic comedies and drunk people who are on the verge of getting married? They're fun? They're complicated? As a serial wedding guest, I tend to focus more on the passed hors d'oeuvres (only rookies "save room" for the sit-down meal) and the dance floor than what it means for people to publicly make various commitments and promises to one another.
Same goes for Andi Potamkin and Jordan Blackmore. According to so, so many pictures on the Coveteur and probably high-security finsta accounts we'll never lay eyes on, they are rich iNflUeNceRs who had a fancy wedding in Utah in 2015. It looks like it was… real tacky? Like Ingrid Goes West came to life and staged a wedding? Elizabeth Olsen was there because a witch put a spell on her that forbids her from escaping other people's photo ops. Here's how the Post described it:
Guests ... were asked to dress in “desert” colors such as “parchment” and “dune ecru,” with “frequent outfit changes encouraged.”
The four-day affair included horseback riding, zip lining, hiking, “late-night poker and debauchery,” karaoke, movies “under the stars,” a “BBQ & s’more buffet” and “lunch by the pool.”
There were yoga and watercolor classes, guided walks and custom-made paper dolls in the image of each guest to accompany the keys to their suites, which typically run $2,600 to $4,350 a night.
The reason the Post was writing about this was that this wedding was a sham!!!! (Thanks, BTW, to Rachel, my work pal and an even bigger scam aficionado than your unfaithful correspondent, for tipping me off to this story a few weeks ago. I know I'm late to write about it, if you're upset, here’s how you can file a complaint with the United Nations.)
Faking a wedding is kind of tough. Maybe I've mentioned this before, but I went to college. One of the things I learned about there was performative speech acts, which describe and alter reality at the same time. The classic examples are alllllll about weddings, "I do," and "I promise," or "I pronounce you married." The edgy T.A. who taught us about this and pronounced some randos in my class married just for laffs did not explicitly describe getting a corny matching tattoo with one's betrothed that says "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine" as Andi and Jordan did, but yeah, I'm pretty sure that falls into the same category.
So where is the lie?
See, Andi is from a wealthy family, while Jordan is a celebrity hairstylist, and — who could have seen it coming? — there was some drama with the prenup. Fearing he wouldn't sign (he did, for the record), Andi and her thrice-married dad, who, the Post reports, "once saw a prenuptial agreement of his own invalidated and had to give up $30 million in assets," asked the yoga instructor officiant not to get ordained. Which means just like the kids in my class who were non-consensually wed by the wacky T.A., the status of their marriage is not 100% above board.
(Side note: Maybe I'm just speaking for myself here, but doesn't getting a clipart certificate from the Church of Hello Kitty awarding the power to legally bind people to one another seem like the best part and whole reason to agree to officiate a wedding?)
I mean, sure, Andi and Andi's dad, solid plan. I'm just stuck on the slight complication of how these two thought it was going to play out. Let's just roll through some possible outcomes… A. They live happily ever after. Excellent. Except with the possibility that at some point this secret comes out and destroys everything? This somehow seems like the best outcome. But less likely than Option B: Two attention-seeking people whose relationship maybe wasn't the strongest to begin with eventually decide to call it quits. One of them finds out his soon-to-be ex pulled some operatic double cross on him at the altar. Is there any possibility that it doesn't become a lawsuit and Page Six story?
Fortunately for me and all of you and anyone we get stuck seated next to at a wedding where we're starved for small talk and call on this charming little anecdote, it definitely did. Jordan wants $2 million (only twice the cost of their wedding!) in damages and you can read more of the delightful details here.
Scam like you're willing to commit to matching wedding tattoos but not marriage,
Ruthie
PS: Some of you have asked whether I will ever do a paid version of this newsletter. Never say never, but I probably will not, for a whole host of reasons. If you're eager to part with your money, want to give me a birthday gift, and you can't find someone to run an elaborate con on you, I would encourage you to donate it to something you care about. Or, even better, something *I* care about.
Books Through Bars is a nonprofit collective that sends books to incarcerated people around the country; I've volunteered with them on and off since I was in high school, and I am a big fan of both the Philly and NYC organizations. One of the things I like most about their work is that a little money goes a long way — $15 covers shipping costs for 3-5 packages. You can donate as much or as little as you wish in my honor, anonymously, by buying books, by volunteering, or not at all. I supposed you can also Venmo me (@ruthbaron) and I will donate it, but that requires you to trust a person who thinks faking a wedding is fun and interesting to do the right thing. Life is full of options, and like a true gemini, I support them all except the bad ones.
My Week in Consumption
While we're on the topic of weddings and their attendant activities, one of the reasons that you haven't heard from me in the last couple weeks is that I helped organize and host a bachelorette party, the highlight of which was a personalized dance class at At Your Beat. It was a blast, and I can't say enough good things about the staff there.
Another reason for my silence is that I went to the Outer Banks in North Carolina with friends (I can assure you, I have many of them). Highly recommend the whole area, but especially recommend swimming on a calm night when the stars are out and the water is crawling with phosphorescence.
While I had access to a grill, I made this Dixie Chicken. It was a triumph.
Nepotism alert! My dad introduced me to that recipe, and he also gave this wonderful TEDx talk.